Wonder amidst the weariness...

It's 11:11pm Wheaton time and I'm still unwinding after being in class from 2pm to almost 10pm with a short dinner break in between.  Thursdays are long, but enjoyable.  On my walk from the classroom to the student center for dinner (grad student discount!! whoo!) I was met with the frigid air that bit my nose and slippery sidewalk that threatened my balance because my shoes were now unsuitable for the elements.  Amidst all this, as I looked up I saw the beauty before me.  The snow was falling ever so gracefully from heaven as I walked out into the open space.  The lights were glowing across campus through the fogginess of tiny snowflakes and even though I was freezing I couldn't help but smile.  This is so sweet.  I'm glad to be able to experience this crazy weather.  I've seen snow before, and this was no blizzard, but I felt a new peace and wonder at the sight of it.

Dinner was a great time of laughter and discussion as the group talked of topics ranging from living overseas to auditioning for musicals.  I slipped out early to head back to the classroom and prepare as it was my group's night to lead in worship and bring snacks.  Yep, that's right.  Grad school is where it's at people...prayer and worship in class, then breaks for banana nut muffins (yea, I made them from scratch all by myself...but who's bragging?  They were good too!).  During class there was time for lots of great discussion and reflection and I got to hear more personal stories from my classmates.

After class a few people hopped in my car for a ride home and we were able to bond over a bizarre experience...the windshield was frozen from the INSIDE.  How do people really live up here?  I realized had I been alone this would not have been nearly as funny or enjoyable.  It was quite hilarious to figure out a solution to our dilemma.

I finally made it home to find my Welcome mat covered in snow.  The apartment was warm and inviting (although cluttered from a previously long night of reading and writing).  I talked to my mom for a while, realizing she must really love me to stay awake this late to chat.  Then I just sat here smiling as I reflected on the day's events.  The Lord is so faithful.  He cares about us and desires to bless us.  I love that I'm in a place where academics are second to really understanding and experiencing God in a way that enriches my own life and encourages others.  I was just reading (early this morning) about God's election of Israel and how it was never seen as a reward for anything they'd earned.  Likewise, our relationship with Christ is not based on our righteousness, but on the faithfulness and promises of God.  He sees us as valuable, sons and daughters whom he created in his image and for his purposes...to join in a mission to bring a lost and dying world back to himself.  Wow.

Let me rewind a bit.  I think it's important that you know some of what happened yesterday and even earlier today.  It has been a rough week for me.  I've felt behind all week and sometimes I'm just tired of all the reading.  My eyes are crossing when I sit for hours and dig into the texts.  By the time Friday rolls around I'm ready to be a vegetable and not read anything at all.

So yesterday I realize that I only have about 70 of 373 pages read for a book review that's due the next day (today).  I've got other readings on top of that and I have to practice guitar as well as bake some muffins.  Seems like a long lineup.  I planned to wake up early and get started, maybe even go to the gym.  Turns out I overslept until 10am or so (my sleep schedule has been so weird with staying up late and sleeping in...can't seem to fix it!).  Because of the lazy start I was already frustrated with myself.  I was just so restless with everything.  I keep hearing about this awesome community at Wheaton and I haven't found it yet.  Sure, it's only been a few weeks, but what's wrong with me?  Why do I sit in my apartment and read textbooks, cook for one (the "meals-for-one" sign on the freezer aisle in the grocery store is super depressing, by the way.  And I'm sure all the Lean Cuisine's are filled with sodium anyway.  I digress...) and watch movies by myself?  I'm dying of restlessness and hungering for a fit, a routine or comfortable pattern of people and friends.

Come 12:45pm and I'm off to Intercultural Studies Forum, a biweekly meeting of the whole department.  We're doing a reflective exercise today and are asked to walk amongst lots of pictures, eventually choosing one that describes us and our place now, our relationship with the Lord.  Just that morning I was praying in frustration for the Lord to show his love for me in a specific way.  I knew the reflection was needed, if not wanted.  Wandering through the pictures of sunrises, mountains, kites, homeless people, planes, monkeys, you name it...I passed one several times and knew it was for me but I couldn't bring myself to pick it up.  

I'll include it below so you can see why...it's a photo of a cat, wearing a sweater and playing the piano.  Exactly.  You just busted out laughing in your seat.  It screams AWKWARD!  Am I right?  It was awkward to even choose, much less describe.  But it stuck out to me.  This time feels awkward and restless.  I mean, if you were a cat wearing an itchy sweater and trying to tickle the ivories with your fat, furry paws, how would you feel?  Out of place?  Tired of putting on a fun face for others?  

This speaks for itself.

After writing all of this we were encouraged to share in small groups.  I was in a group with a gracious and sweet professor as well as another new student in the program.  We talked and I had a mini-meltdown.  Where's this great community everyone talks about?  I barely see these people except inside the classroom, then everyone goes their own way.  Only one classmate asked if I had found a church yet.  I knew I was frustrated because of my anxiety of being in a new place by myself.  It's just so foreign to everything I've known before.  I'm realizing now that the Lord wants time with me, to be quiet and work through things, just me and Him.  But sometimes quiet can bring a lot of time to think.  It's so much easier to be busy and distracted than to give time to self-discipline and learning in prayer and the Scripture.  I have a sanctuary here with no distractions or demands.  Yet I'm going crazy looking for things to fill my time.

My group was so gracious in encouraging me and praying over me.  That's what I miss about college, about the Race...there has always been a small group of close friends pouring into me and praying over me.  I love doing life with people, growing in Christ together.  I've seen what the Body of Christ is supposed to look like...  Vulnerability, genuineness, a deep love for one another.  After 11 months in overseas ministry and 6 months of youth ministry I want to be a part of a community that pours into me.  It's time for me to be filled up again before I can pour out anymore.  I'm just tired, restless and hungry. 

 

Amazing teammates who love and support me!

Sistas in Christ who've got my back!

That being said, today was a sweet day.  After getting 5 hours of sleep due to procrastination on a book review and other assignments, I thought the best thing about today would be when I was able to get back in bed.  The Lord had other plans.  He brought sweet conversation in class, reminders of his love from the Word, refreshing laughter and fellowship at the table, and a comic relief at experiencing new weather phenomenon.  Not to mention the beauty of the snowfall.  

Lord, thank You that You know my heart.  You know exactly what I need.  You don't give up on the day even if I do.  You are faithful and true, always.  You redeem and renew me constantly.  Your Spirit never leaves me.  You crack me up at times and I can't help but laugh out loud at Your goodness.  Thank You for today, Lord.  Guide me again tomorrow in Your loving kindness.

He brought me out into a spacious place; he rescued me because he delighted in me." - Psalm 18:19

The Lord gives strength to his people; the Lord blesses his people with peace. - Psalm 29:11