Wonder amidst the weariness...

It's 11:11pm Wheaton time and I'm still unwinding after being in class from 2pm to almost 10pm with a short dinner break in between.  Thursdays are long, but enjoyable.  On my walk from the classroom to the student center for dinner (grad student discount!! whoo!) I was met with the frigid air that bit my nose and slippery sidewalk that threatened my balance because my shoes were now unsuitable for the elements.  Amidst all this, as I looked up I saw the beauty before me.  The snow was falling ever so gracefully from heaven as I walked out into the open space.  The lights were glowing across campus through the fogginess of tiny snowflakes and even though I was freezing I couldn't help but smile.  This is so sweet.  I'm glad to be able to experience this crazy weather.  I've seen snow before, and this was no blizzard, but I felt a new peace and wonder at the sight of it.

Dinner was a great time of laughter and discussion as the group talked of topics ranging from living overseas to auditioning for musicals.  I slipped out early to head back to the classroom and prepare as it was my group's night to lead in worship and bring snacks.  Yep, that's right.  Grad school is where it's at people...prayer and worship in class, then breaks for banana nut muffins (yea, I made them from scratch all by myself...but who's bragging?  They were good too!).  During class there was time for lots of great discussion and reflection and I got to hear more personal stories from my classmates.

After class a few people hopped in my car for a ride home and we were able to bond over a bizarre experience...the windshield was frozen from the INSIDE.  How do people really live up here?  I realized had I been alone this would not have been nearly as funny or enjoyable.  It was quite hilarious to figure out a solution to our dilemma.

I finally made it home to find my Welcome mat covered in snow.  The apartment was warm and inviting (although cluttered from a previously long night of reading and writing).  I talked to my mom for a while, realizing she must really love me to stay awake this late to chat.  Then I just sat here smiling as I reflected on the day's events.  The Lord is so faithful.  He cares about us and desires to bless us.  I love that I'm in a place where academics are second to really understanding and experiencing God in a way that enriches my own life and encourages others.  I was just reading (early this morning) about God's election of Israel and how it was never seen as a reward for anything they'd earned.  Likewise, our relationship with Christ is not based on our righteousness, but on the faithfulness and promises of God.  He sees us as valuable, sons and daughters whom he created in his image and for his purposes...to join in a mission to bring a lost and dying world back to himself.  Wow.

Let me rewind a bit.  I think it's important that you know some of what happened yesterday and even earlier today.  It has been a rough week for me.  I've felt behind all week and sometimes I'm just tired of all the reading.  My eyes are crossing when I sit for hours and dig into the texts.  By the time Friday rolls around I'm ready to be a vegetable and not read anything at all.

So yesterday I realize that I only have about 70 of 373 pages read for a book review that's due the next day (today).  I've got other readings on top of that and I have to practice guitar as well as bake some muffins.  Seems like a long lineup.  I planned to wake up early and get started, maybe even go to the gym.  Turns out I overslept until 10am or so (my sleep schedule has been so weird with staying up late and sleeping in...can't seem to fix it!).  Because of the lazy start I was already frustrated with myself.  I was just so restless with everything.  I keep hearing about this awesome community at Wheaton and I haven't found it yet.  Sure, it's only been a few weeks, but what's wrong with me?  Why do I sit in my apartment and read textbooks, cook for one (the "meals-for-one" sign on the freezer aisle in the grocery store is super depressing, by the way.  And I'm sure all the Lean Cuisine's are filled with sodium anyway.  I digress...) and watch movies by myself?  I'm dying of restlessness and hungering for a fit, a routine or comfortable pattern of people and friends.

Come 12:45pm and I'm off to Intercultural Studies Forum, a biweekly meeting of the whole department.  We're doing a reflective exercise today and are asked to walk amongst lots of pictures, eventually choosing one that describes us and our place now, our relationship with the Lord.  Just that morning I was praying in frustration for the Lord to show his love for me in a specific way.  I knew the reflection was needed, if not wanted.  Wandering through the pictures of sunrises, mountains, kites, homeless people, planes, monkeys, you name it...I passed one several times and knew it was for me but I couldn't bring myself to pick it up.  

I'll include it below so you can see why...it's a photo of a cat, wearing a sweater and playing the piano.  Exactly.  You just busted out laughing in your seat.  It screams AWKWARD!  Am I right?  It was awkward to even choose, much less describe.  But it stuck out to me.  This time feels awkward and restless.  I mean, if you were a cat wearing an itchy sweater and trying to tickle the ivories with your fat, furry paws, how would you feel?  Out of place?  Tired of putting on a fun face for others?  

This speaks for itself.

After writing all of this we were encouraged to share in small groups.  I was in a group with a gracious and sweet professor as well as another new student in the program.  We talked and I had a mini-meltdown.  Where's this great community everyone talks about?  I barely see these people except inside the classroom, then everyone goes their own way.  Only one classmate asked if I had found a church yet.  I knew I was frustrated because of my anxiety of being in a new place by myself.  It's just so foreign to everything I've known before.  I'm realizing now that the Lord wants time with me, to be quiet and work through things, just me and Him.  But sometimes quiet can bring a lot of time to think.  It's so much easier to be busy and distracted than to give time to self-discipline and learning in prayer and the Scripture.  I have a sanctuary here with no distractions or demands.  Yet I'm going crazy looking for things to fill my time.

My group was so gracious in encouraging me and praying over me.  That's what I miss about college, about the Race...there has always been a small group of close friends pouring into me and praying over me.  I love doing life with people, growing in Christ together.  I've seen what the Body of Christ is supposed to look like...  Vulnerability, genuineness, a deep love for one another.  After 11 months in overseas ministry and 6 months of youth ministry I want to be a part of a community that pours into me.  It's time for me to be filled up again before I can pour out anymore.  I'm just tired, restless and hungry. 

 

Amazing teammates who love and support me!

Sistas in Christ who've got my back!

That being said, today was a sweet day.  After getting 5 hours of sleep due to procrastination on a book review and other assignments, I thought the best thing about today would be when I was able to get back in bed.  The Lord had other plans.  He brought sweet conversation in class, reminders of his love from the Word, refreshing laughter and fellowship at the table, and a comic relief at experiencing new weather phenomenon.  Not to mention the beauty of the snowfall.  

Lord, thank You that You know my heart.  You know exactly what I need.  You don't give up on the day even if I do.  You are faithful and true, always.  You redeem and renew me constantly.  Your Spirit never leaves me.  You crack me up at times and I can't help but laugh out loud at Your goodness.  Thank You for today, Lord.  Guide me again tomorrow in Your loving kindness.

He brought me out into a spacious place; he rescued me because he delighted in me." - Psalm 18:19

The Lord gives strength to his people; the Lord blesses his people with peace. - Psalm 29:11 

A Week in Wheaton.

Blogging on the Race was easy, it just sort of happened.  Before I knew it there were 1 or 2 posts popping up weekly online.  While I was home over the last 6 months I was too comfortable and/or too busy to find time to write.  Since I'm not "home" in NC anymore, maybe the blog should pick back up.  It's a great way to keep connected with those back home and to share what the Lord is doing in my life as I transition to Wheaton.

So, I'm at Wheaton College in Wheaton, IL working toward a Master's Degree in Intercultural Studies. My amazing parents made the drive up with me last Monday and stayed to help set up and organize things in my new apartment.  They headed home last Thursday morning (I can't believe it's been a week!), after leaving me with a comfy couch and bed, plenty of kitchen gadgets from IKEA, food in the cupboard and a nice space heater for the bathroom.

Dad enjoying an IKEA lunch after a long day of shopping

Mom and I testing out the couch (and my winter coat!).

This has been the first week where I can say I've officially lived on my own.  During college I had mostly wonderful (and some insane) roommates.  On the World Race I was in community 24/7, developing lasting friendships with great teammates.  Here in IL, we'll just say it took a bit of adjusting for the first few days to figure out this "living alone" thing.  It's a strange feeling to walk out the door and realize that no one knows where you're going or when you'll be back.  It's also kind of freeing.

On Saturday morning I decided I wanted to go for a run around the block.  It's a nice neighborhood with plenty of sidewalks, cute houses and friendly people.  I pulled up google maps, so as not to get lost  on my first try, and mapped out a course.  It took me a while to figure out what to wear for the 30 degree weather, then I had to find a safe place for my house key so I didn't get locked out.  Finally, I realized I was just stalling because I was a nervous pansy that didn't want to leave the comfort (and heat) of my apartment.  Going out alone can be intimidating.  I finally called Caleb for a pep-talk.  I've done this before with lengthy undergrad assignments or exercising habits.  Our conversations usually go like this:

"Caleb, I need to get out and run but I'm being a bum and don't want to.  Tell me to quit being a pansy and just go do it."

"Hannahclaus, you're a bum.  Get your shoes on and get out there and run right now!  Talk to you later.  Bye."

"I'm on it.  Thanks.  Bye."

I did end up jogging most of two miles in the cold.  After two minutes outside I noticed that I forgot my gloves because I couldn't feel my hands anymore.  Lesson learned; the next time I took gloves and wore more layers on my legs.  At least I'm figuring it out.

Another big step was the grocery store.  I'd probably made 4-5 trips to Target in 2 days for various items, but I was unwilling to venture into unknown territory in the grocery store.  Target is familiar.  I love Target...most of them look the same.  (Sidenote:  Wal-marts here are far inferior to those in North Carolina and I will not be frequenting them unless absolutely necessary.  No supercenters?  No groceries?  Really, Wal-mart?)  There are no friendly neighborhood Food Lions here with familiar cashiers that ask for your MVP card.  I've asked around and there is one of each store: Dominik's, Jewel, and Ultra Foods that are all nearby for grocery shopping.  I chose Ultra and went for it.  My sticky-note list in hand and my cell phone in the other (moms are always available for food/cooking questions no matter how dumb), I took on the aisles.  Surprisingly enough these yankees have grits on the shelves.  Guess I didn't need to pack those...  I spent a good amount of time perusing the aisles and checking out deals on toilet paper and canned tomatoes.  Who knew there were so many types of canned tomatoes?  Anyway, it was a successful trip even after my awkward hesitation when I realized there was no one bagging my groceries and it was my job to do.

After experiencing life in the suburbs for a few days, I was a bit restless and ready for class to begin.  I had been to get my parking pass, student ID and textbooks, but the waiting was a bit boring.  Finally, on Tuesday night I had my first class, along with a forum on Wednesday and class most of today.  Now that I've met some of my classmates and seen their passion for Intercultural Studies it's been encouraging.  However, after looking over the syllabi and anticipating all that this semester's courses bring with it I have to say I'm still a bit overwhelmed and intimidated.

Graduate school?  What am I doing here?  I'm not qualified to be in an esteemed place like Wheaton with faculty who are internationally recognized for their work!  This is insane.  Lord, help, cause this is gonna be tough.  I sat through the first part of each of my new classes with an intense feeling of intimidation.  This is a whole new level.  Still, I find encouragement and hope in knowing that it will get better and become easier as I get into the swing of things.  Bungee jumping over the Nile river was intimidating, but I did it and loved the experience.  Leading a youth group and volunteering with kindergarteners was intimidating, but I did it and loved the experience.  The Lord is showing me that I don't have to be completely brave and comfortable in a new environment.  Getting settled and learning the new culture takes both time and effort; sometimes it can be intimidating.  Intimidation will come, you just have to choose to keep going regardless.

I'm creeping in a purple parka on the left!

I'm so thankful for one of my favorite undergraduate professors, Dr. Qualls.  I had mentioned the possibility of graduate school after the Race, but without much confidence.  She saw my hesitation and added, "You do know you could do it, right?  You're definitely capable."  Even tonight, as the course opened up, my new professor pushed us to learn, write and share.  He said that we should be writing and publishing our work to give to others.  Dr. Qualls also commented on one of my papers that I should have it published.  I thought it was a joke and never got around to tweaking it enough for publication.  Perhaps there's still time...

In a nutshell, the Lord has brought me to Wheaton.  There's no doubt about it...through the prayers, advice, conversations and daydreams, he's affirmed it over and over.  I may feel like I don't know what I'm doing quite yet, but I am certain the He knows what He's doing with me!  I'm looking forward to an enriching 18 months of learning and growing so as to be more equipped to reach the nations with the name of Jesus.  Here's to a new kind of adventure in the academic world!

A few photos of my place in case you don't get a chance to visit.  On the other hand, once you see how comfy it looks you may be making a road trip to stop by!!  This is also proof for my mother that it was clean at one point...we'll see if that keeps up once assignments get busy ;)

Look at the awesome missionary family on the fridge (The Heaths!).

Aslan and a beautiful canvas painted by my sister-in-law.  Thanks, Meg!!

I absolutely LOVE the tree canvas :)

Home-cooked meal with some NC Cheerwine (thanks to the Loves for sending a supply).

Leroy Jethro Gibbs has got my back!  Between him and Aslan I feel super safe :)