Aslan, the Great Bridge Builder

As I sat in the parking lot waiting for my hubby to meet me for his lunch break, I finished up reading a really great book.  I took a minute to enjoy the "I'm so satisfied right now/my heart is happy/let's reflect on how good life is" feeling after you finish a fantastic piece of literature.  After a bit, I picked up my phone to share some excerpts with the Facebook world because, let's face it, everyone needs to know about The Chronicles of Narnia. If you haven't heard of Lucy and her brave and adventurous spirit; Reepicheep the honorable, dueling, talking mouse; or (more importantly) Aslan, the most majestic, glorious, awe-inspiring Lion, Son of the Emperor beyond the sea...you are missing out!

Last week I finished up Harry Potter book 7 and it was an enjoyable read for fun and entertainment. There was good and evil, valiant fights and brave sacrifices, loyalty and friendship. It was a good read, but C.S. Lewis uses such imagery and draws such deep comparisons to the joy of living with Christ and the hope of Heaven that I get pumped up and have to tell people about Narnia.

The Dawn Treader is a story about the journey of King Caspian (accompanied by Lucy, Edmond and cousin Eustace) sailing to the Eastern Sea to seek answers concerning seven Narnian lords that disappeared years ago. At each new island they each they find different challenges. Sometimes there are friends, oftentimes there are dangers lurking nearby. Though Aslan does not travel with them physically, he shows up when they face fear, temptation and trials. One of my most favorite scenes happens when they are at the Dark Island.  They are lost and surrounded by darkness in a place that makes your nightmares truly come to life. When the crew is panicking and at their wit's end, Lucy remembers Aslan.

Lucy leant her head on the edge of the fighting-top and whispered, "Aslan, Aslan, if ever you loved us at all, send us help now." The darkness did not grow any less, but she began to feel a little--a very, very little--better....

"Look!" cried Rynelf's voice hoarsely from the bows. There was a tiny speck of light ahead, and while they watched a broad beam of light fell from it upon the ship. It did not alter the surrounding darkness, but the whole ship was lit up as if by searchlight...

Lucy looked along the beam and presently saw something in it. At first it looked like a cross, then it looked like an aeroplane...at last with a whirring of wings it was right overhead and was an albatross.  It circled three times round the mast and then perched on the crest of the gilded dragon at the prow.  It called out in a strong sweet voice what seemed to be words though no one understood them....Drinian steered after it not doubting that it offered good guidance. But no one except Lucy knew that as it circled the mast it had whispered to her, "Courage, dear heart," and the voice, she felt sure, was Aslan's, and with the voice a delicious smell breathed in her face. 

In a few moments the darkness turned into a grayness ahead, and then, almost before they dared to begin hoping, they had shot out into the sunlight and were in the warm, blue world again.

I talked about Aslan so much that my friend, Klamesha, drew an incredible piece of art for me a few years ago!  I love the relationship between Lucy and Aslan; she trusts Him, follows Him, respects Him and is genuinely joyful in His presence. She's open as she talks to Him, as she asks for help, advice, and courage. Lucy seeks to be with Aslan always.  That's why, when we near the end of the book and Lucy and the others have to head back to England, there's this heartfelt exchange between them:

"There is way into my country from all the worlds," said the Lamb; but as he spoke his snowy white flushed into tawny gold and his size changed and he was Aslan himself, towering above them and scattering light from his mane.
"Oh, Aslan," said Lucy. "Will you tell us how to get into your country from our world?"
"I shall be telling you all the time," said Aslan. "But I will not tell you how long or short the way will be; only that it lies across a river. But do not fear that, for I am the great Bridge Builder.  And now come; I will open the door in the sky and send you to your own land."....
"It isn't Narnia, you know," sobbed Lucy, "It's you.  We shan't meet you there. And how can we live, never meeting you?"
"But you shall meet me, dear one," said Aslan.
"Are--are you there too, Sir?" said Edmund? 
"I am," said Aslan. "But there I have another name.  You must learn to know me by that name.  This is the very reason you were brought to Narnia, that by knowing me here for a little, you may know me better there."

Jesus was there from before the foundation of the world. He has created us for fellowship with Himself, even though we stubbornly rejected and refused Him as we chose our own path and sought our own glory. Praise to God the Father who loved us immensely and sent His only Son to take the punishment that we brought upon ourselves.  He bore our sin, shame and guilt so that we might be enabled to come into His family as righteous sons and daughters.

I'm so glad I've met the great Bridge Builder. I know that when its time to cross the river, he will be by my side. Aslan is a fantastic character in a wonderful children's story. Jesus Christ is a very real Person who lives today and eternally.  As Lucy said, it's not about Narnia (heaven), it's about Him. If you don't know Christ, you don't have life. John 17:3 says, "And this is eternal life, that they know you the only true God, and Jesus Christ whom you have sent."

This isn't a preachy plea to give Jesus a spare moment of your time, rather it's a testimony that I've truly considered life and purpose and both of those come up short without Christ. It took a children's story to remind my heart how much I love and need Jesus. It's not about religion or duty; it's about relationship. When we know the one True Love, we are able to truly love ourselves as His creation and others as well.

And since this post is already too long, if you're still reading you must like it so I'll leave you with a quote from the most valiant, determined warrior of a mouse who ever lived in Narnia on his quest to see Aslan's country for himself.  As you can see, he was positively obsessed with adventure. I hope to have his passion and perseverance as I strive to follow after Jesus.

"My own plans are made. While I can, I sail east in the Dawn Treader.  When she fails me, I paddle east in my coracle.  When she sinks, I shall swim east with my four paws. And when I can swim no longer, if I have not reached Aslan's country, or shot over the edge of the world in some vast cataract, I shall sink with my nose to the sunrise and Peepiceek will be head of the talking mice in Narnia."

"I Want You To Be My Wife"

We shared a side order of okra during lunch at Tupelo Honey, a restaurant that has now become one of my favorites.  We toured the Biltmore house that afternoon with all its richly decorated rooms, Downton Abbey special exhibits and magnificent tulip gardens covering the grounds.  We saw people everywhere at every turn, from the teenagers working the photo stand to a bridal party arriving in front of the Biltmore Estate that day.  Though I was thankful for the thoughtful birthday gift of tickets to tour the house and gardens, I was also glad when Jeremy suggested cruising the Parkway and catching the sunset before a late dinner.

After getting lost in downtown Asheville thanks to my poor navigational skills, we ended up on some back roads and eventually made it to the Blue Ridge Parkway.  It was an absolutely beautiful day.  Perfect weather.  High 60s, gentle breeze, and sunshine everywhere you looked.  We found a trail along the way with a short hike and a gorgeous view – mountains, trees, a lake and golf course down below.  The sun was slowly beginning to set and there was absolutely no one else around but us.

We walked around a bit, took a few pictures, admired the view and stood side by side, arms around each other’s waists, on the edge of the mountain.  As we looked out at the beauty of the sunset, Jeremy started, “You’re so thoughtful.  You’re so kind.  You’re godly.”  He has told me these things before.  Qualities he sees in me, attributes he appreciates.  With words of affirmation as my top love language, I always receive these words with gratefulness in my heart.  He continued, “You’re beautiful.”  I haven’t always felt beautiful, sometimes very far from it, but when he says it I believe him.  “You are my best friend.  And I want you to be my wife.”  Such a smooth transition that I looked over in surprise.  We had been gazing out at God’s great earth, and now he just said “wife!”  Now he’s on his knee smiling up at me with one of the most gorgeous, sparkly, stunning rings I’ve ever laid eyes on.  (Later I asked him if he had in fact asked, “Will you marry me?” because I was so distracted by his suave transition that I zoned out for a second.  He smiled, “I did.  And you said, ‘Yes’.”)

Even though I thought my ring size was a 7, he had a ring slightly smaller than that and it fit on my finger perfectly.  We stood there for a bit with silly grins on our faces, marveling at what just happened, then Jeremy gently reminded me, “Well, we said we were gonna kiss when we got engaged…” (More smiles and a shared kiss or two).  We sat down to watch the sun continue to set, it’s almost gone now.  As if the day hadn’t been perfect enough, Jeremy comes through again, “I want to get this thing started off right.  I want us to pray together.”  Up until this point, I think I was a little teary-eyed (or perhaps the combination of bling and sunshine was too much for my eyes), but this is when the mascara was washed off and the tissues came out.  My new fiancé led us in the sweetest, most genuine prayer I have ever heard.  He didn’t start out by thanking God for his beautiful wife-to-be, but rather he thanked the Father for who He was.  He gave glory to Jesus as our Lord and Savior and first gave Him the honor and praise.  After that he prayed for our relationship, thanking God for this crazy love story that we are living.

If you had asked me months or even years ago what kind of engagement story I was hoping for or what ring I had my heart set on, I wouldn’t have had an answer.  I’m grateful that Jeremy did an amazing job planning a thoughtful proposal and selecting a special ring, but what my heart desired most was a man that would pray with me and for me.  I didn’t have to ask him to pray.  He had the same desire because we both have the Holy Spirit living in us and guiding us toward lives that seek to honor God.

 After we finished praying, and I finished crying off all my makeup, a man and his daughter showed up with their cameras ready for the sunset.  We asked him to take our picture as we told him we were newly engaged.  He was willing and excited to be a part of our moment.  Jeremy even went along with my request to get back down on his knee so I could have a picture to remember the day!  He’s so good to me!

The ride home was full of Dave Barnes songs, texting pictures to friends, calling family and holding the hand of my fiancé.  It was pretty fantastic.  Also, since I had been waiting for a bathroom since we left the Biltmore, it was a fast drive to find civilization.  Once again the Lord smiled upon us as we found a Krispy Kreme, complete with clean bathrooms and a lit up “Hot Now” sign.  Isn’t it great how He cares about every detail of our lives, from boyfriends (or fiancés!) to bathrooms? 

I don’t think I can finish a post about our engagement on that note, so I’ll say this.  The Lord is good.  He is faithful.  He cares for His children and takes care of His own.  He wants our best for us more than we want it for ourselves.  When I look back over my relationship with Jeremy, I see God’s fingerprints all over it.  I share this story so that God may be glorified for all He has done.  He is worthy of our praise.

“Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows.” – James 1:17

Birthdays, memories and everyday life. Or, "25" has been good to me.

            I’ve always heard that birthdays come more quickly as you get older.  It seems like only a little while ago that I was turning 25, enjoying my birthday with deep-dish pizza and a day at the trampoline park surrounded by friends in Wheaton.  As I think through the past year of my life, I can say that “25” was good to me.  

The Wheaton crew that was brave enough to take on the trampolines with me!

            Last March I was finishing up grad school and training for a marathon.  It was stressful at times, as the schedule filled with endless papers, long miles and sweet times of fellowship and social outings, but it was also a time that I felt strong.  My beginning at Wheaton looked very much different than my end.  I started out timid, feeling like an imposter to be at such a prestigious school with people who were much more qualified and intelligent than me.  It wasn’t that I became a genius or developed some new research to change the world while I was there, but I encountered and depended on the Lord in a new way and finally began to see who I was in Christ.

Friends, fellow runners and a sweet support group.

Goal: Run a marathon.  Check.

Wheaton grads

            By the end of my time at Wheaton (both in the school and community), I had grown into a more mature student, runner, hostess and person in general.  I began to realize my gifts of hospitality and encouragement were some that could be used to further the Kingdom and glorify God.  Previously, I downplayed those gifts and made excuses when people complimented my efforts in these areas.  Sure, I can make people laugh and write nice cards and make a mean banana nut muffin, but what good is that in the grand scheme of things?  How “productive” is it to have a dance party or a spontaneous lunch outing with a friend?  I was unable to see how God was using what I assumed to be a quirky and silly personality to bring him glory.

            When I moved home last summer I took time to relax, read some good books and visit several friends that I hadn’t seen in a while.  Then fall followed summer and the lack of schedule (in my mind, lack of purpose) was driving me crazy.  I started to look for opportunities to serve my church as I was waiting on plans with the International Mission Board.  The Good News Club came up at a local elementary school each Thursday, so I got on board even though I was “voluntold” (kindly forced) to lead music and hang out with hyped up 10-year-olds after school.  I really do love it, even if I complain that I cannot sing kiddie songs.  I also made an effort to reconnect and encourage some of the girls that were in my discipleship group as high-school students.  They are all beautiful young women walking college campuses all around North Carolina now.  To be able to meet with them and bring a little encouragement, along with some baked goods and a note from home was a huge blessing.  I like to think they enjoyed it, as I know I did!  

One cool college kid.

Lovely lady at Meredith College

         

Great girl at UNCG

      I had hoped to spend a few months in Peru with the Heath family last fall, but those plans changed as well.  In fact, since I was in town during October, I was able to go attend a play based on C.S. Lewis’s “The Great Divorce” with a fellow Lewis fan and friend.  A few weeks later, there was an outing on the Blue Ridge Parkway with this same friend and then in mid-November I received the most unexpected surprise in the mail.  Jeremy had written me a remarkable letter unlike any I had ever received.  Yes, I said LETTER.  Like snail mail.  Handwritten.  Delivered by the postman.  Those facts alone made it fantastic and sweet, but he was very bold and clear in his intentions, asking if I was willing to pray through the possibility of pursuing ministry in the States and beginning a dating relationship, as opposed to joining the IMB overseas.  (Our whole story is a bit crazy, sweet, weird, funny, confusing, and definitely of God!  But that’s for another blog.)  During this entire process I was walking through decisions about missions, relationships and serving my home church.  The journey had already begun for me to come on staff at church as the “Connections Minister” to bring hospitality and intentionality in the areas of building community and fellowship among believers here.

Beautiful mountains in the fall!

Waterfall along the Blue Ridge Parkway. Known to some as the BLP :)

Thanksgiving came and went, then Christmas too and I had just spent the holidays with family, friends and a new boyfriend.  January brought the opportunity for fellowship with old and new friends.  Klamesha came down to visit from her new home in Boston and we were able to explore most of NC from the Biltmore to seeing Wicked in Durham.  It was such a blessing to laugh, talk, pray and fellowship with her!  There were also times when I was able to go to lunch with different ladies from church.  The conversations and laughter that we shared was good for the soul.  That’s what Christian community looks like – walking through daily life together and sharing stories along the way.

First date with the handsome fella.

Biltmore house with Klamesha :)

About to visit the Emerald City.

            February was a time for me to plan and facilitate “Cottage Prayer Meetings” leading up to our church’s Spring Revival.  Each Tuesday and Thursday we met at church or in someone’s home to come together and pray for our church, our community and ourselves.  I was amazed and thankful at how the Lord brought together people of different ages and stages of life to come and pray.  It was wonderful to see His Church coming alive again.  During this time, our church staff was also approached by a local middle school to pray and intercede on their behalf.  What happens at church on Sunday morning should always overflow into the community.

            Now it’s March.  Since I am a glutton for punishment, I’ve committed to run another half-marathon this weekend.  Seems like tradition now!  I want to remember the training and miles from Wheaton last year, the confidence I gain at setting a goal and accomplishing it, and the sweet reality that much like this race, the course of life is before each of us.  We may get blisters and cramps along the way, have to take some walk breaks or reach for a cup of Gatorade to refresh us, but we run with a goal in mind – to see God and enjoy His presence forever, while giving Him glory along the way.  Thankfully, His Holy Spirit power is living inside of me, given by Christ Jesus and through His sacrificial death on the cross.  I don’t run (or live) on my own strength.  This year of 25 was such a lovely roller-coaster of life experiences.  I am expectant and immensely excited for 26.

Missions, Ministry, and the Importance of Serving Jesus Where You Are Right Now.

Recently, a friend asked me to write a bit and share about how serving the Lord in international mission work had led me to seek to serve locally.  How has following God overseas encouraged me to follow him in my hometown?  Since my focus and plans have been shifting over the past few months from overseas mission work to ministry here in the United States, it was a welcome chance to reflect and see the journey that the Lord has been walking with me.  Here is what I shared with her:

      It was January of ’06 when I knew that God had placed a call to ministry on my life.  I may have only been a high school student at the time with no knowledge of what a career in missions would look like, but I resolved to be obedient to the Lord.  Almost a decade later I am still discerning the call and walking in the Spirit daily to the best of my ability.  In the years between high school and present day, I have explored many avenues of missions and ministry, both locally and abroad.

         My undergraduate and graduate degrees focused on studying the Word, learning about missions strategies and developing intercultural communication skills.  I took weeklong trips to Guatemala and Germany during college, then after graduation I headed out on an 11-month journey touching base in 11 countries.  When I came home I spent 6 months serving the youth group at my home church, then took off again for more studies in Illinois and a summer stint in Peru. 

            International travel and missionary work have been woven into the most recent years of my life in significant ways.  As I reflect on the work that my teammates and I did internationally, I realize that those experiences have helped me to better understand and recognize the beauty of God and His purposes for His people, as well as equipped me to serve my home community and church more effectively.  In Kenya we prayed for the sick, preached the Word, visited the lonely, invited neighbors to church, shared the gospel, laughed with children, danced with worshippers, and followed Jesus wherever he led us.  Today, as I live in the little town of Statesville, North Carolina, I still gather with fellow believers to pray for the sick.  Each Sunday we come together to hear the Word preached.  I enjoy visiting and spending time with new friends and inviting my neighbors to church.  There are still opportunities to share the gospel and laugh with children each week in Good News Club at the local elementary school.  As far as dancing goes…well, I attend a Southern Baptist church, but I do occasionally attempt a nice sway/rocking motion with a lifted hand or two (And you better believe I have some good dancing worship in my car when I’m riding solo!) 

            There were several countries where I had the opportunity to meet with some amazing women, both young and old, and remind them of their value and beauty in the sight of God (the only One whose opinion truly matters).  At home, I have the same opportunities to encourage ladies and show them that their true worth and identity comes from Christ.

            Traveling internationally is always an adventure.  There are new sights, smells, sounds and surprises around every corner.  People may not look like you, speak the same language or have the same customs and cultures.  Everything from food preparation to the method of doing laundry could be completely foreign to the mindset you’ve always known.  Church services may vary in length and style; worship and prayer may be expressed in new ways.  Still, one thing remains the same – God’s glory and his love for his people.

            Spending time abroad has enriched my view of God by opening my eyes to the beauty and diversity among the nations and cultures, along with the unity found in the Christian Church as a whole.  I have followed Jesus down the dirt roads of Rwanda and it has given me confidence to follow Him down the paved roads of neighborhoods in my hometown.  The Spirit encouraged me to sing and dance in worship with international believers and now I look forward to praying and worshipping with my fellow church members here at home.

            Until very recently, I viewed my call as a missionary as a very rigid course that would most likely result in living overseas long-term.  As I treasure my past international experiences and plan to continue to learn about culture and communication, I find that I am no longer choosing to define myself as a “missionary,” but rather how the Father sees me as “beloved daughter of God.”  If the Lord leads me to the other side of the world or to a small town in the States, I want to be faithful to serve Him.  People are people, regardless of where they live, their age, color or social status.  And all people have a great need for Jesus.  If we know Him it is our mission to introduce Him to everyone we meet, no matter our geographic location.

Forward is a Pace

Note: I wrote this back in July and maybe I didn't post it because of the pictures taking so long to load, or the fact that I've dropped the ball on the whole running thing lately.  I don't really remember, but it's written, so I'll put it out there and hopefully there will be more blogs to come.  People keep asking me about writing, so I'll take that as affirmation to pick up the ol' keyboard once again...

At the start line of the Nashville Country Music Marathon!

A few months ago I completed my first marathon.  All 26.2 miles.  The weather was hotter, the hills steeper and the pace slower than what I had hoped for, but I finished.  It seems that the insanity of training through the winter months in Wheaton, IL, complete with ice, snow and extremely cold running weather wasn't enough, but I had to register for a race in hilly, humid Nashville at the end of April.  My training runs were flat and chilly, the race was hot and hilly! That's probably the reason that I laughed out loud when I read one of the spectator's signs along the 26.2 mile course: "It seemed like a good idea four months ago!"

Four months and over 400 miles later and I was headed through the streets of Nashville looking for the finish line.  There were several other funny signs, some super sketchy ones and many encouraging phrases too.  But there was one white poster-board with words that touched me to the core and provided the motivation that I needed.  It simply read: "Forward is a pace."

This was good news to me since I had been on track for the first 13.1 miles, but met my match on a huge hill in mile 15.  It was discouraging to know that my time goal wouldn't be met and I had been a bit frustrated at having to take some walk breaks.  I kept telling myself from then on, "Forward is a pace."  It also helped that I had friends and family cheering me on at different points of the race.  I gave my dad a high five around 20 miles and the last 6.2 were the longest of my life.

My partner in crime and running buddy, Kristen.  Thankful for her positivity during all those long winter runs!

More of the support team.  Thankful for my parents spending all day out on the course.

My beautiful friends, Blair and Heather, that joined in the 5k race and then cheered me on!

After running, I came home to two more weeks of grad school and adopted "Forward is a pace" as my new mantra.  Any progress, no matter how small, was better than nothing!  Now, as I have moved away and begun to settle back into North Carolina life I need to remember the saying and keep pushing forward in search of what the Lord has in store for me here.

There were several runners that passed me that day in Nashville, and there were many that I ran around as well.  It was no fun to be left in the dust, and though sometimes I celebrated a little for passing another person, that wasn't usually the case.  When I focused on those ahead of me I felt like a failure.  Why couldn't I keep up?  When I focused on those behind I puffed up with pride.  Who am I to judge them?  We're all runners and we all run our own pace.

When I think about where I'm at in this stage of life I don't want to run at another's pace.  It is easy to look to friends who have established careers or entered into serious relationships and wonder why they seem to be "ahead".  No good can come from looking back at others who have made different choices or come under tough circumstances and seem to be lagging behind either.

So, while I'm still trying to think and pray through the next step, I know that this may be a time to take a walk break and gear up for the next bit of running to come.  I want to continue moving forward, stay the course and remember to run at my pace as I seek to finish well for His glory.

Marathon finished.  Posing with my medal!

The End of an Era

Hey there.  It's been awhile.  My last post was one month into grad school (Feb. 2013).  I was in a new place and still extremely motivated as a student.  However, since that time I have read many textbooks and written many pages of papers, so the blog kind of fell along the wayside.  Now, 18 months after the journey of Wheaton College Graduate School began, I find myself back at home in North Carolina sipping sweet tea, dodging gigantic June bugs and trying to survive the humidity in July.  What an adventure this past year and a half has been!

Last Sunday, as my parents and a couple of friends were helping to pack up all of my belongings, one of my best friends (in the Wheaton context) and I took a break to grab some ice cream.  We chatted a little bit about our time at school and about future plans.  She said something about it being "the end of an era," to which I responded that I thought an era was supposed to be an extended, you know, really long time.  After I thought about it, I agreed that we could call our 18 months an era.  That just sounds so epic :)

When I think back to the beginning, I remember the first few weeks at Wheaton when I would spend time reading for class (so many books!), watching the Harry Potter movies and sometimes going to the grocery store just to have some human interaction.  Those lonely days didn't last long as I began to meet people and form deeper relationships.  Soon I went from having too much time to not enough as social activities, ministry opportunities and the school workload increased.

It may have only been 18 months, but what a bunch of living my friends and I did during that time!  There were so many memorable late night conversations, rambunctious game nights, Spirit-filled worship and prayer times, amazing international potlucks, bouts of hilarious laughter, birthday celebrations, Sunday night home-cooked meals, Downton Abbey viewings, ice cream runs, movie nights and much, much more.

There were also times of sorrow and grief when the only thing we could do was sit with each other and just be.  There were times of frustration and feelings of inadequacy, bouts of depression and sadness, periods of worry for the future.  All of these crazy ups and downs allowed me to see the beautiful community that Christ had surrounded me with in Wheaton.  My classmates, professors, bosses and friends felt like family as they spoke truth into my life and continually affirmed the woman God had created me to be.

On May 10, I walked across a stage in a funny hat and Wheaton College Graduate School named me a Master.  It felt good to have the hard work recognized, but it was even better to go through the doors and meet up with friends and family for pictures and fellowship.  The celebration and community afterward was so much sweeter than hearing my name called and receiving an awkward hood (which I returned the next day).

I haven't fully processed all that I have learned or the many ways I've grown over the past months, but I know that I am not the same as when I left.  (Sidenote: There may be a new series coming called "Stuff I learned at Grad School") Many people have asked me if it's "good to be home?" and I can't seem to find the right response.  While I love my family and friends and the great state of North Carolina, the word itself - home - has a new meaning.  Wheaton was my home.  I planted myself there and dug my roots in deep, seeking to love people deeply, and study diligently for the Lord.  Though the winter was absolutely insane, I loved the little suburb of Chicago and everyone in it.

When I walked out of my apartment for the last time, the place where I had called home and shared so much joy and laughter with those closest to me, I sensed that it really was the end of a great era and I thanked God for giving me such freedom and life there.  As I said goodbye to two of my best friends and began to drive away, it was quite a difficult thing to do.  The tears came and at first I was a bit embarrassed, but then I realized how God had done exceedingly, abundantly above what I had hoped or expected for that season of my life and knew it was hard to leave because it had been so wonderful.

As I got to the hotel where we'd stay before heading out early the next morning, I received two text messages from close friends in NC.  They were praying for safe travels and were excited to meet up for lunch soon.  My eyes began to water again.  It was as if the Lord was saying, "You are not alone.  There are those who love you here in Wheaton, and there in North Carolina.  I will not abandon you, and neither will your friends."  What a crazy intimate God that watches over us and meets our every need.  He continues to amaze me and I know He has a plan (though I have yet to see it) for the coming months and years.

So, I guess what I'm trying to say is, I'm thankful for the time I had and the friendships I formed at Wheaton.  I'm also excited to be on the edge of a new and exciting era to come.

Wonder amidst the weariness...

It's 11:11pm Wheaton time and I'm still unwinding after being in class from 2pm to almost 10pm with a short dinner break in between.  Thursdays are long, but enjoyable.  On my walk from the classroom to the student center for dinner (grad student discount!! whoo!) I was met with the frigid air that bit my nose and slippery sidewalk that threatened my balance because my shoes were now unsuitable for the elements.  Amidst all this, as I looked up I saw the beauty before me.  The snow was falling ever so gracefully from heaven as I walked out into the open space.  The lights were glowing across campus through the fogginess of tiny snowflakes and even though I was freezing I couldn't help but smile.  This is so sweet.  I'm glad to be able to experience this crazy weather.  I've seen snow before, and this was no blizzard, but I felt a new peace and wonder at the sight of it.

Dinner was a great time of laughter and discussion as the group talked of topics ranging from living overseas to auditioning for musicals.  I slipped out early to head back to the classroom and prepare as it was my group's night to lead in worship and bring snacks.  Yep, that's right.  Grad school is where it's at people...prayer and worship in class, then breaks for banana nut muffins (yea, I made them from scratch all by myself...but who's bragging?  They were good too!).  During class there was time for lots of great discussion and reflection and I got to hear more personal stories from my classmates.

After class a few people hopped in my car for a ride home and we were able to bond over a bizarre experience...the windshield was frozen from the INSIDE.  How do people really live up here?  I realized had I been alone this would not have been nearly as funny or enjoyable.  It was quite hilarious to figure out a solution to our dilemma.

I finally made it home to find my Welcome mat covered in snow.  The apartment was warm and inviting (although cluttered from a previously long night of reading and writing).  I talked to my mom for a while, realizing she must really love me to stay awake this late to chat.  Then I just sat here smiling as I reflected on the day's events.  The Lord is so faithful.  He cares about us and desires to bless us.  I love that I'm in a place where academics are second to really understanding and experiencing God in a way that enriches my own life and encourages others.  I was just reading (early this morning) about God's election of Israel and how it was never seen as a reward for anything they'd earned.  Likewise, our relationship with Christ is not based on our righteousness, but on the faithfulness and promises of God.  He sees us as valuable, sons and daughters whom he created in his image and for his purposes...to join in a mission to bring a lost and dying world back to himself.  Wow.

Let me rewind a bit.  I think it's important that you know some of what happened yesterday and even earlier today.  It has been a rough week for me.  I've felt behind all week and sometimes I'm just tired of all the reading.  My eyes are crossing when I sit for hours and dig into the texts.  By the time Friday rolls around I'm ready to be a vegetable and not read anything at all.

So yesterday I realize that I only have about 70 of 373 pages read for a book review that's due the next day (today).  I've got other readings on top of that and I have to practice guitar as well as bake some muffins.  Seems like a long lineup.  I planned to wake up early and get started, maybe even go to the gym.  Turns out I overslept until 10am or so (my sleep schedule has been so weird with staying up late and sleeping in...can't seem to fix it!).  Because of the lazy start I was already frustrated with myself.  I was just so restless with everything.  I keep hearing about this awesome community at Wheaton and I haven't found it yet.  Sure, it's only been a few weeks, but what's wrong with me?  Why do I sit in my apartment and read textbooks, cook for one (the "meals-for-one" sign on the freezer aisle in the grocery store is super depressing, by the way.  And I'm sure all the Lean Cuisine's are filled with sodium anyway.  I digress...) and watch movies by myself?  I'm dying of restlessness and hungering for a fit, a routine or comfortable pattern of people and friends.

Come 12:45pm and I'm off to Intercultural Studies Forum, a biweekly meeting of the whole department.  We're doing a reflective exercise today and are asked to walk amongst lots of pictures, eventually choosing one that describes us and our place now, our relationship with the Lord.  Just that morning I was praying in frustration for the Lord to show his love for me in a specific way.  I knew the reflection was needed, if not wanted.  Wandering through the pictures of sunrises, mountains, kites, homeless people, planes, monkeys, you name it...I passed one several times and knew it was for me but I couldn't bring myself to pick it up.  

I'll include it below so you can see why...it's a photo of a cat, wearing a sweater and playing the piano.  Exactly.  You just busted out laughing in your seat.  It screams AWKWARD!  Am I right?  It was awkward to even choose, much less describe.  But it stuck out to me.  This time feels awkward and restless.  I mean, if you were a cat wearing an itchy sweater and trying to tickle the ivories with your fat, furry paws, how would you feel?  Out of place?  Tired of putting on a fun face for others?  

This speaks for itself.

After writing all of this we were encouraged to share in small groups.  I was in a group with a gracious and sweet professor as well as another new student in the program.  We talked and I had a mini-meltdown.  Where's this great community everyone talks about?  I barely see these people except inside the classroom, then everyone goes their own way.  Only one classmate asked if I had found a church yet.  I knew I was frustrated because of my anxiety of being in a new place by myself.  It's just so foreign to everything I've known before.  I'm realizing now that the Lord wants time with me, to be quiet and work through things, just me and Him.  But sometimes quiet can bring a lot of time to think.  It's so much easier to be busy and distracted than to give time to self-discipline and learning in prayer and the Scripture.  I have a sanctuary here with no distractions or demands.  Yet I'm going crazy looking for things to fill my time.

My group was so gracious in encouraging me and praying over me.  That's what I miss about college, about the Race...there has always been a small group of close friends pouring into me and praying over me.  I love doing life with people, growing in Christ together.  I've seen what the Body of Christ is supposed to look like...  Vulnerability, genuineness, a deep love for one another.  After 11 months in overseas ministry and 6 months of youth ministry I want to be a part of a community that pours into me.  It's time for me to be filled up again before I can pour out anymore.  I'm just tired, restless and hungry. 

 

Amazing teammates who love and support me!

Sistas in Christ who've got my back!

That being said, today was a sweet day.  After getting 5 hours of sleep due to procrastination on a book review and other assignments, I thought the best thing about today would be when I was able to get back in bed.  The Lord had other plans.  He brought sweet conversation in class, reminders of his love from the Word, refreshing laughter and fellowship at the table, and a comic relief at experiencing new weather phenomenon.  Not to mention the beauty of the snowfall.  

Lord, thank You that You know my heart.  You know exactly what I need.  You don't give up on the day even if I do.  You are faithful and true, always.  You redeem and renew me constantly.  Your Spirit never leaves me.  You crack me up at times and I can't help but laugh out loud at Your goodness.  Thank You for today, Lord.  Guide me again tomorrow in Your loving kindness.

He brought me out into a spacious place; he rescued me because he delighted in me." - Psalm 18:19

The Lord gives strength to his people; the Lord blesses his people with peace. - Psalm 29:11